Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"Mother Guilt" at 5 AM

  I dedicate most of my posting on this blog to how we treat ourselves and knowing who we are.  In truth, when we really see ourselves for the beautiful, powerful Daughters of God that we are there is no fear of defeat because we know that God will help us and we will eventually conquer, we'll even be highly effective parents! Sounds too good to be true, right?  Here's what I am faced with at 5 o'clock in the morning.  Last night I completely blew my top at my kids.  Worse...I almost enjoyed it (the power I was deceiving myself that I had).

 I didn't enjoy the yelling, of course, because my divine self was telling me the whole time, "You're doing it the wrong way and this hurts them and me." Yet, because I was in a state of fear this was all I could think of to do.  Truthfully, we all have it in us to be the rockstar parents we dream of being, remember those days...or moments when you just KNEW you were knocking it outta the park, the message was getting through and you felt comfortable with the method?  We really know what to do, but we become lazy and then we listen to the lie in our minds that says "I don't know what to do?" The insane thing is that in that moment when you're yelling and threatening in order to CONTROL (not guide) there is this crazy idea:  They aren't listening, they never listen- oh my gosh I'm a bad parent because my kids won't listen to me- (yelling louder now), they're going to grow up and not know how to take care of their own property, if they don't get this done today, it's never going to get done and.....etc. Oh, and one more thought that is almost always in the back of my mind when I go on this kind of tirade: "What will people think?"

I know the danger of thinking about what others think of me, a) it is NONE of my business, b) I am trespassing when I try to get into other people's heads, c)when I do that it's like taking all my value, worth, and connection to God and placing it in someone else's hands...they don't want it (ok some might, but those are NOT peeps I want to spend much time with because they feel smothering), they don't need it, and how dare I push off onto them such a heavy burden that is made for me and only I can carry, and truthfully I cannot carry it alone, but through Christ. So the tirade goes on and on and on, until YOU/I stop it and start consciously replacing the long list of lies, or merciless judgement with the truth, because all this was a voice of fear and despair.

In my case, I sent the kids to their rooms, while I calmed down.  When my kids were very little we had a codeword that meant "I need time a lone to calm down because I can't think of a single nice way to behave right now." I would say "Crazymom is coming."..ok that's a code phrase, but it worked.  I told them this because I knew that my issues were boiling up under me and I needed time to process so I could treat them with the dignity, love and respect they deserve and that I deserve to give them.  Now that our family life is less hectic (they are older and take most care of themselves) I forget sometimes, that "CrazyMom" is trying to come out.  Truthfully I thought I fired her, but apparently I still think she's useful and I need her.  I actually don't because I only pull her out in order to control, not to teach, nurture, guide, direct and SAVOR my children.  Here's the steps I took last night that worked:



2) Pray, for peace, clarity, guidance, remembrance, angels to bring in light (of Christ)...etc.

3) Create space to think (send the kids away as nicely as possible, or just go in your room, etc.)

4) Evaluate thoughts and feelings and replace lies with truth (writing them down is a powerful tool for more permanent correction) (btw thinking you can't take the time to process this is another lie because until you do it will never be corrected)

5) Identify the thought or belief and feeling that triggered all the rest, correcting that one will help you PREVENT it from happening again.
* The most common trigger feelings are guilt, shame, fear-and they usually center around thinking what others will say or think about you, but sometimes it's fear of failure before yourself and God...Remember with God on your side (and he is always on our side, He always desires us to succeed) and the divinity He placed in you you cannot fail, not permanently.

6) Consciously choose to accept and love yourself, in the moment, even in the error in behavior. Still refuse to embrace lower-self behavior, but embrace yourSELF.

7)Go back before God in prayer. Seek His forgiveness and the power to change this pattern.  I often use visualizations to help with this.  I picture myself standing before Christ and handing him that thought or belief that lead to undesirable actions and I feel His love for me as he replaces my darkness with light and strength to overcome this behavior.
If I truly do not know, consciously, how to handle the situation, I get help.  I talk to friends, family, my husband, I read books.  All of this information is sent through my "spirit filter".  If it doesn't resonate and fill me with peace, joy, and love, I keep looking until I find something that does.
More often than not, the answer is not in a method, but in a change of the way I think about a situation.  Remembering who I am and who they are is the surest way for me to stop justifying dark behavior and treat myself and my children with love and light and forgiveness.  Doing a meditation on "Who am I, really? is a powerful tool in this setting. As we re-align ourselves to our divine, spirit self, we align ourselves to God and to the divine spirit selves of our children.  In that space we can sense instinctively what is needed and proceed with faith, love, and confidence.

Here's what this meditation looks like:
Create quiet space for yourself. (for some people there is music that helps quiet their mind and soul, if that works for you, use it)
Take three deep breaths through your nose and DEEP into your diaphragm (bottom of stomach/abdomen)
Concentrate inward to the center of yourself.
Imagine a beam of light, see it's color, identify it's feeling
Realize that this part of you is eternal, and knows all things and can bring into your physical mind the remembrance of what it is you need to do to become outside what you are on the inside: a divine eternal being filled with love and light from God.

The truth is that there is both light and darkness to be had in this world.  There are spirits of light, love, and Christ, there are spirits of fear, darkness, and Satan.  Remembering who we are reminds us that we came from light, our destiny is light and we get to teach our physical minds to trust, obey and seek light.  Within that light is a spirit of complete and unfailing forgiveness and love.  This is the influence I chose to follow, this is the influence that makes me an effective mother, this is the influence that creates unity in my home and safety for myself and my children.  We can create shields of light around ourselves and our children as we treasure up the truth about who we are and remember that the light in us is stronger than the darkness that confronts us.  Standing firm in the face of temptation, the temptation of self-loathing and fear of"not enough" (not having enough, not BEING enough) and declaring to ourselves and the principalities of the earth that we are daughters of God, who love and serve Jesus Christ and that His light is in us we become powerful and someday we will have conquered all the darkness that haunts us.  In the mean time, remember to call on God and his angels for the help you need and remember who you are.

~Live in light, Trust in God, Live Happy Now~


Liz King Bradley