Thursday, May 4, 2017

I Was SO Angry, and SO Desparate

Once I got in a huge fight with my husband. My behavior was inexcusable, forgivable - but inexcusable. I have thought about what brought me to such desperation that I behaved so opposite of my divine truth and what I know of my husband's divine truth. I have thought about this because I DO NOT EVER want to go there again. I realized that I believed these three things:

My husband's choices determine my results.
My husband's ability to see my point of view determined whether change was possible.
I knew best what my husband should think, feel, and do.

The first two are very clearly co-dependent and "arm of flesh" oriented. The last one is just plain arrogant. These beliefs have been hiding under the surface until we ran into financial difficulty that is all too much like what we experienced a year ago when I left him, not because of the trouble, but because of the way we handled it together---or rather how we didn't handle it together. All the pain and anger of the previous year came into my remembrance and I was terrified of eternal repetition. Here was the other belief:
It's never going to change, he's never going to change. (Maybe I should not have come back.)

I don't want to keep repeating this cycle of hell in my marriage. I believe one of the purposes for marriage is to bring happiness, but with the false beliefs I've mentioned above, marriage is hell, and if you believe in eternal marriage-which I do- then it's eternal hell.

The truth is that FEAR is never Godly. Fear and pride are the motives and feelings behind all the false beliefs I have mentioned, clearly I was not in light, in a place of connection with God as I embraced those beliefs.

I have this printed and posted on my wall in large print where I can see it often.:

I am accountable for my results and what others do to me and say to me are a reflection of what I believe about myself.
Think positively, but address concerns, answer the questions of fears.
God is responsible for changing hearts. I am responsible to serve God.

These three principles and beliefs make it very difficult to resent anyone, and keep me on a path of progress in myself, the last one reminds me that other people's reactions to my efforts to help are none of my business, that as I follow the promptings I receive from God, the results are in His hands. I chose to let go of the fear that another persons learning curve has the power to devastate me, God is my shield and protection and if I'm experiencing the fall out from another person's decisions it's because I share in the responsibility or there is a lesson in the pain for me.

In addition, I know that God, not my husband is my ultimate shield and protection.

God will always protect me from anything that is not in my highest and best good, if I'm experiencing it there is some good in it for me.

I have recently made all independent study materials on my site FREE. If you feel what I have written applies to you and it may serve you to learn more, try one.


Liz King Bradley

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