Thursday, May 4, 2017

What's the Number One Killer of Marriages?

Nope. Not sex issues.

Not Money.

No.  Sure isn't kids and parenting issues.

It's low self-esteem, and the things we do to cover it.

It's what happens when we are so desparately seeking to make ourselves feel and or look good enough, beautiful enough, capable enough, liked enough, just ENOUGH that creates all the garbage in marriage.

We spend all our energy and time on pursuites that we think validate us and neglect the relationship with our spouse.
We start building a case against our spouse to justify our distance, and unkind words and actions.
We spend our families resources trying to look good enough, feed a habit (or addiction) that keeps us from feeling the secret self loathing (the hungry beast that you can never fill-only dismiss)
We criticize seeking to build ourselves up by unfavorable comparison.
We can't connect in sex because we are trying to hide the secret we fear will cause our loved-one to reject us (this is called shame). So sex is unfulfilling, even when physically satisfying, if you can get that far, because many feel unworthy of the climactic aspect of intercourse.

How to avoid the consequences of the pitfall:
When you find yourself talking or thinking about another persons weakness, STOP. Ask yourself what weakness in yourself you are trying to avoid looking at or that you are trying to justify. 

Share with your spouse the secret sin you're afraid they'll leave you for if they find out. (Caution: do this with prayer. Your spouse may not be prepared to hear it, but if you take it to God you gain the chance to get His support and assurance.)

When outside persuites are getting in the way of family relationships, question why you'd continue in it if it's damaging to your family? What do you think it's making you more of? What weakness or insecurity are you trying to cover up?

Simply chose forgiveness. Work as hard at forgiveness as you have at maintaining your victimhood and you'll find it. What do you think your grudge is doing for you? What is it really doing TO you and your relationships.

Give your spouse space. Love yourself enough to recognise you're worth staying for and let them go. Are you doing things for them, overstepping your bounds to keep them from leaving? Are you really doing for them the things they should do for themselves so that YOU can feel needed, necessary, etc. and fear they'd leave if you weren't?

Let go of the need to be needed and the belief that you need others. Relieve them of the burden of making you feel needed, of making you feel anything. Neediness wears down a relationship like the drips of water that can erode stone. Wouldn't you rather be with someone because they WANT to , not because they NEED to? Wouldn't you rather have someone with you because they love you, not because of what you do for them?

NEWSFLASH: at some point you will not be able to do for them what you think makes you worthy of them, then what? Someday they won't be able to do for you what you think makes you feel good, what then? People will disappoint and fail you, we're human. It's a great reason to predispose yourself to forgiveness and learn to love unconditionally. Of course you have needs, and they need to be met. There are a lot you can meet for yourself, and what you can't do for yourself can be met by God.
Strong Marriages come from Two WHOLES trusting in God, not two halves trusting in each other.

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Liz King Bradley (originally posted on November 27, 2012)

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